I remember it was in 2021 or 2022, though I can’t recall the exact timing—as the life of Covid-19 has been but almost an entire blur, like that of reels rolled from the old cassette tape, that elicited the numbing stupor—I first heard of the terms Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft in a sociology class. It has nothing to do at all with my major, but it was one of the foundational courses for my American degree program.

I was quite confused then, at having first heard German terms in an American sociology class. The lecturer did a poor job at explaining the terms, and I’m not even certain if sociology is her field of expertise. She explained those 2 terms simply as:

1. Gemeinschaft – characterized by communal social ties, traditional societal values
2. Gesellschaft – characterized by modern society, with less social kinship and traditional social values.

Yeah, quite straightforward and simple, easy to understand. And it came out in a test, in the form of Multiple Choice Questions (MCQs). Then, just like money spent on that semester’s tuition, the knowledge went straight down the drain.

It wasn’t until 1 year ago when I was mentally dilapidated by work and family problems, stretching myself thinner and thinner till my bandwidth became from a dense, fibrous network to a cotton string, tied to both sides the immeasurable weight of responsibilities, that I finally realized if it snapped, I would just give it all up, even my life.

Comparison might be the thief of joy, but it’s a justification I resort to. This problem is not unique; if anything, it’s as ubiquitous as one might think, though it may not present itself in the same form.

The core problem remains: juggling between multiple responsibilities.

But how did these responsibilities even come about in the first place? 

Are those responsibilities expected of us when we, for example, cross the age of 18 and become an adult who can drive and work full-time?

Make no mistake, it’s perfectly reasonable that once you are able to work full-time and drive legally, you should be able to take care of yourself. The inability to do so will only amount to 2 things: individual failure or personal disability of some sorts.

But how about responsibilities? Like taking care of others?

Self-interest vs Communal Well-being

I live outside of the city centre and not in a wealthy neighbourhood. I wouldn’t call my family poor; we live modestly.

Last month, when I was driving one night with no destination in mind, just after my routine visit to grandma due to her living alone, I parked my car beside the road and started feeling on the precipice of what I would describe as a narcosis: irregular breathing, heart palpitations in my ear followed by ringing sound, slight trembling of hands on the steering wheel. Although I didn’t feel the possibility of fainting, I was not in an ideal condition to drive. About 5 to 10 minutes, when all subsided, I started resuming my drive back home.

That wasn’t the first time it occurred; it had happened in a similar fashion at the beginning of this year.

I knew something was not right; I had a gut feeling of what might be the source of this problem, but I felt helpless in resolving it.

For reasons too personal to me, I wouldn’t disclose the details. But as you might already guess, it’s mostly due to family problems.

After several days of that second occurrence, I was reminded again by nothing in particular of the terms: Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft. Back in the university, I only learned it viscerally, engaging with such concepts on the academic level with a rather distant rational mind, so theoretical and academic. I thought I had made sense of it back then, but now it all became a blur.

Along with modernisation comes the slow dissolution of traditional family values and social ties, but to describe our current society, especially those in modern city, as Gesellschaft is too simple a delineation. Instead, Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft are merely the mental yardstick by which sociologists use to describe a society, of how strong the traditional values, how tight the communal bonds, or how rational and individual the members of the society are.

Do understand I’m not attempting an exegesis of any sort at this sociological concept. But I think my sociology lecturer missed out one thing: at least for now, there is no society in an absolute perfect state of Gemeinschaft or Gesellschaft. Instead of a dichotomy, Gemeinschaft and Gesellschaft exist as a spectrum.

If both opposite standards exist in a society, since they are presented as a spectrum rather than a dichotomy, all of us have no choice but to live with constant anxiety in this contradiction. So it is with me.

Odd Pattern of Going on a Solo Date

I remember I was in Standard 4, though I’m not too sure of the particular age; it might be between the ages of 9 and 11.

I went to have lunch by myself in a rather established restaurant in a shopping mall.

I can’t recall why I would do such a thing, but I think it had something to do with disagreement with my friends while hanging out. Out of pettiness, I decided to just part from them during lunch. I didn’t even know what foods that restaurant served; I just walked in anyway.

What I can recall are of the semi-amused expressions on the waiters, serving a kid younger than 15 years old. In hindsight, it does seem very comical and absurd at the same time. However, at the time, I was not at all phased by any of it. I subconsciously put on the pretense and mannerisms of an adult, feeling, for the first time ever in my life, the rush of independence.

Perhaps I naturally crave independence, perhaps it was formed during my childhood by external factors; with psychology as my minor, I have an idea or two of how, consciously or subconsciously, I come to develop this peculiar disposition. However it came to be, it doesn’t matter; but it does seem, to a certain extent, to account for my desperate need for independence, or rather an escape from just about everything.

Is it a sign of cowardice or an indication for a well-deserved, rightful repose?

Questions of virtues can wait, for I escaped anyway.

Oh Melbourne, The Wonderland that You are

It was towards the end of my escapade. I stood at the peak of what I could only describe as a grassy hill in a lovely suburb just outside of Melbourne city.

It was approaching sunset, so I hurried myself to the Point Ormond lookout to catch the breath-taking sunset over the Bass Strait that, from a distance—even with rather irregular waves due to the strong wind on that day—appeared in stillness.

I saw online how magnificent the sunset view will be, especially when the sun is halfway below the horizon of the southern sea, so auburn that it’s closer to the colour of red than orange.

Unfortunately, on that day, those damn clouds were too dense for any ray of light to shine though. The view was lukewarm, so much so that you could feel the lethargy permeating at the coast, made worse with the frostbite that intensified with every windblows.

I wasn’t satisfied with it, so I stayed. I didn’t know what I was staying for, but I needed something. Not too long afterwards, the first glimpse of light caught my attention, but it was from the skyline of Melbourne city. I knew then and there that the foolish wait was worth it.

It was what I needed.

Although I swear I almost couldn’t feel any sensation in my fingers and feet, my mind was quiet temporarily. The view of almost a Rennaissant painting; of Melbourne city, lit in its glorious, artificial auburn city lights, adjacent to the Bass Strait connected to that St Kilda pier by which congregated many ant-like mailboats; of Bay Trail, spattered here and there people with lives of their own that I would never know of—some were walking their dogs, some were sitting on a bench with one’s head on another’s shoulder, some were having professional photoshoot (perhaps for their social media), and some were probably just like me, sitting there and sinking in.

I went back to my Airbnb that night and cooked myself the Maggi curry instant noodles that I bought from an Asian market.

It was definitely because I was almost broke towards the end of the trip. But after having that Maggi curry instant noodles that night, paired with the red wine as a generous offer from the Airbnb host, the bone-chilling weather that night suddenly seemed warm and tender.

Perhaps this is serenity.